Last year I created a painting which I titled ‘fractured’. I came to a stopping place in this painting, but knew it wasn’t finished.
I’m glad I had taken a picture of this painting before I completed it. The painting is of a woman, her head thrown back in surrender of the beautiful mess that she is in.
I am an extremely sensitive person in many ways- it is a blessing and a curse. I am sensitive spiritually; I can feel peoples energy around me and it can easily lift me up or weigh me down; I am sensitive to the foods I eat and my feelings also are a rollercoaster of ups and downs. You could say I often struggle with mental health, especially when it comes to depression; but God is always reminding me that He is the one who created me a sensitive being.
We are currently in Charleston, SC (my hometown). Many of you know I’ve spent a lot of my life traveling and seeing the world- but in underlying truth, I’ve also been running from some things of the past. When God called me back to Charleston, I knew a huge part of this call was to face some old demons, and revisit the past (like I wrote about in previous blog posts).
Being in the middle of this feels like I am cut wide open- raw, vulnerable, and bleeding. In revisiting old ruins of the past (spiritually speaking), I feel with every fallen wall I try to restore, I find deep infected wounds beneath that need to be properly addressed and healed.
But in all of this, I have a promise and a hope to hold onto. To be honest, at times, I don’t feel I have much hope left… but I know it’s there- right down in the core of who I am. And in this time, I am still holding on to His promise over me to ‘restore the ancient ruins- the places that have long been devastated.’ (Isaiah 61). This verse God gave me specifically referring to the inner healing He was calling me to go through, and I still cling to it because through every bit of pain, I know He is the one who is taking me through it. And He is good.
On Monday I felt God calling me to the beach at night; to a specific spot (a tree) that use to be mine and His. My husband came with me, and we ended up seeing the beautiful full moon rise on the way down.
When we got there it was dark, but we had my camera and took fun photos. The whole time I felt God speaking to my spirit, and it ended up inspiring my poem ‘Like the Moon’ which I’ll write below. The next day, I returned to my ‘Fractured’ painting, and finished it.
Like the Moon
Broken, but still standing through this night
The embers from the fire still sear my skin
But the burn brings a nice distraction
From this constant pain I am walking in
Through Rebuilding ancient ruins
Piece by piece, and wall by wall
Visiting past wounds and battle scars
Open and bleeding, but at least I’m still standing tall
Because I know you’ve led me here
And you are with me through it all
I may be screaming in the pain of it
But I’m done running from your constant call
In the darkest part of this night
I know you’ve led me right to this place
Into the very depths of who I am
Right to the demons I have to face
And here the Devil takes another strike
My legs beneath me starts to shake
Hope is fading fast tonight
and I don’t know how much more I can take
I feel lost- but it’s here I find you
Through the fire you call my name
Giving me the strength to rise once again
And find my way through the flames
Now In the embers of who I’ve been,
I’m standing in who I am
For who I am has always been about you
Daughter of the Great I am.
In learning to rest in my identity,
No longer running from the darkness that comes so soon
But finding who I am being your very light,
I will shine through the night like the moon.